Headphones

Headphones

Ted says, “Bored? Listless? Need some excitement in your life? Experience all the thrills of being an heroic bomb disposal expert without any of the dangers by firstly pouring a bottle of water over your head to make it look like you’re sweating profusely.Then don an old pair of headphones with the big earpieces before stopping your microwave oven with just one second to go!”

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

New Carpet

New Carpet

Ted says, "Do you love the bouncy feel of a new, luxurious carpet but can't afford to buy a new Axminster? Simply take home a sampler of the best shagpile from Carpet Warehouse. Cut out insoles in your size, insert them into your slippers and you'll feel like you've re-carpeted the whole house! Enhance the experience by threading the sampler cut offs on to a piece of string thus creating yourself a wonderfully unique necklace complete with that newly fitted carpet aroma."

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Riverdance

Riverdance

Ted says, "If you've always wanted to learn how to Riverdance but never had the time, simply pour petrol onto your feet, set them alight and drop a bag of marbles onto a wooden floor. You'll quickly master it in no time at all!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Extinguisher

Extinguisher

Ted says, "Always use the correct fire extinguisher for the relevant type of fire. For instance use water on burning wood and use CO2 on electrical equipment. Whatever you do, DON'T fight a fire with fire. You'll only get a much bigger fire!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Parking Tickets

Parking Tickets

Ted says,

"Do you want to avoid hefty parking fine tickets being slapped on your windscreen? Then make sure you always keep a glass cutter and a tube of superglue in your pocket or handbag. When you park your car just cut out your windscreen and take it with you and then simply glue it back in place when you return."

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Home Testing Kits

Home Testing Kits

Ted says,

"Don't buy expensive COVID-19 home testing kits, just follow my simple advice."

"Take a glass full of your favourite tipple, eg whisky, gin, rum and sniff it. If you can smell it then you're halfway there. Now take a big sip. If you can taste it you don't have the virus!"

"You must test yourself regularly, say every 5 minutes."

"However, if you wake up the next morning with a bad headache this is one of the symptoms of Coronavirus so you will have to repeat the tests again tonight!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise

Kicking The Habit

Kicking The Habit

Ted says,

"Worried that you have been drinking too much during lockdown, are becoming an alcoholic and won't be able to kick the habit? Just add a shot of brake fluid to your drinks and you’ll soon be able to stop any time you want!"

B&Q

B&Q

Ted says:

"Beware of customer service people in B&Q. I went into their garden department and a man in orange asked me if I wanted decking. I'm OK because I got the first punch in, but be warned people!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

The Finger

The Finger

Ted says,

"If people treat you unkindly, just STOP, breathe deeply and ponder this for a minute. They are only reacting to their own unresolved problems and it has TRULY nothing to do with you or what you have done... Then turn around and give them the finger!" 🖕

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.

Car park

Car park

Ted says,

"Do you have trouble remembering where you parked your car in crowded carparks? Leave your headlights on full and just wait for nightfall. Hey Presto, there's your car! Bonus tip. Always keep a fully charged 12v battery in the boot of your car. You never know when you might need one!"

Listen to Ted. Ted is very wise.